I'll take mine by Diane Von Furstenberg (DVF)

I am the Stay Puff Marshmallow girl, or that's how I felt when I put on my karate uniform last night. I'm sure it has a proper name, and I'm probably being totally blasphemous by not using it.

I mean it.

These dojo fools are much profesh and take themselves super seriously.

I'm probably completely missing the whole BS respect and honor for the discipline part of studying martial arts by blogging and mocking it, but whatev.

I look like a giant, puffy cloud in my new, over starched, white ensemble which reminds me of an unruly bathrobe with matching pants.



So, the pants are drawstring with cut-outs at the hip on each side. Like vents, I guess. But why? I do not know. They remind me a bit of wrap-around shorts that we wore in the 80s when were young girls, when we could because we had not an ounce of body fat.

Remember these?



We actually wore those, and I think they might even be in style again. At least the romper aspect.

But I digress.

The pants.

They gape open when you do any type of movement, so I guess I'm going to have to invest in some granny panties so I don't flash the room.

Those should work, no?

I know.

So hot.

It can't be helped.

Another irritant about the uniform is the fit. The pants hit at your natural waist. Which after a decade of wearing low-rise, or lower-rise pants, really feels like they hit your neckline. Strangling you. Uncomfortable. Awkward. Mom pants.

They totally blow.

The bathrobe, or the top, is much like a DVF wrapdress.



Or a bathrobe. Same diff.

It has that inner tie to keep the top from opening and exposing, and then it has the outer tie for the top layer. Then the belt.

Something occurred to me last night though about Captain Awesome. His bathrobe always gapes open. I remembered thinking to myself, why does his gape? No one else's gapes.

And of course - it then occured to me. We are constantly being shown (and probably supposed to be admiring and drooling over) his pecs and his abs - the first row of his 50ish year old 6 pack. Only a little ab. But a lot of man boob.

Captain Awesome is not tying his inner bathrobe tie!

He's deliberately and purposefully showing us his awesomeness in full, proud glory!

Or past glory.

Anyway, DVF? If you're free? I'd like my pants a little lower on the rise, and my bathrobe tailored with I'm thinking a nice jersey knit. For movement. Kthxbye.

Note: The brilliant LiLu suggested that I put my Sensai's name online via Pig Latin so as to prevent him from getting a Google Alert on himself. I soooo know he has one set. So anyway, here it is. Check him out via his IMDB, straight to DVD, d-list martial arts movie career. Feel free to join me in making fun of him, or if you've heard of him and are a fan of his movies, I'd like an explanation.

Update (I did it wrong the first time): Effjay Peakmansay

Here's a link to a translator if you need it. They even have iPhone app for this. Crazy!

I'm sure at some point, I'll write more about the actual karate activities, but he made me do push-ups last night. For like the first time since high school PE, and I can barely lift my arms to type this.

Wax on, wax off.