When you buy a new construction home like I did here in Vegas and for that matter in any city. You have a lot of choices to make. Granite. Tile. Hardwood. Crown molding. And if you want crown, what upgrade? Upgrade 1, upgrade 2 which would include the ceilings, or upgrade 3 which pretty much means your house will be all about the crown, etc.
One of the options to upgrade was lighting. Chandeliers? Pendants. Track. Bathroom fixtures, recessed and the like.
Now, I opted out on this one because I have eclectic, antique style tastes for my lighting. I like simple, vintage chandeliers, tinted glass pendants, and I like everything to be slightly unique from each other. So, I opted out and accepted the “standard” lighting with the intent to replace as I found treasures at vintage shops or Lamps Plus. Whatever.
Anyhoo, as I’ve now been here for about 3 months, I’ve grown accustomed to and slightly amused by the sexual paraphernalia that is the “standard” lighting.
I can’t help but wonder if the design consultant who chose the “standard” package was a gay male or a pre-menopausal woman with raging hormones.
You tell me.
“Um. Excuse but has anyone seen my vibrator or otherwise phallic instrument? No?”
Well, don’t worry because I have 5 in the dining room. Yes friends, below is the chandelier in my formal dining room.
It has 5 penile substitutes.
Awesome.
Now, if you don’t need the penile substitute because you’re actually dating a man, you perhaps might be looking for the added protection of a condom with a reservoir tip.
Good news. I’ve got one.
Here is the pendant in my foyer.
Just roomy enough for those with a lot of . . . . um . . . . yeah. No need to worry about breakage, spillage or overflow.
And moving though the house to the breakfast nook, if you’ve lost your diaphragm, you needn’t worry, because I’ve got one.
Classy.
My electrician comes on Monday to switch them out with the cool, vintagey, less sexually-explicit lighting I’ve found, but I thought I’d share with you before they’re gone.
You’re welcome.
8 comments:
oh christ i have one just like the one in your foyer in a hallway. thanks now i have to go shopping.
In response to your last line...Yes. Thank you.
She was gay. I mean he was gay. Had to be.
i'm thinking you may need to get laid soon. when i start looking at inanimate objects around the house the way you do, i know it's time.
CLASSIC!!! That chandelier is off the charts. I can't wait to see your new light fixtures!
I feel so cheated. I read the title and thought something salacious had happened. And then... its about lighting. Kind of like the promos for Ice Dancing at the Olympics (which Mrs. Angrybell has labeled porn on ice, the promos not the event). ;)
Nice to see you back and posting.
Who doesn't need penis lights hanging from their ceiling? So classy.
Grand: I saved you!
Foxy: I had to share. It was my duty.
Jen: You're totally right.
Claire: What's really funny is that thought didn't even occur to me. I must REALLY need it.
HHH: I know, right? Who designed that thing?
AngryBell: Just writing this was salacious enough for me. Baby steps, my friend. But sorry to disappoint. And I'm with MrsAngryBell, totally porn.
Cheddar: That was like a line out of gay porn. Love it.
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